Monday, November 21, 2005

Welcome.

I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner at our house this year. This means that in two days our home will be descended upon by 35 people, all here for one purpose: to take note of my poor homemaking skills.

Rigel tried to trick me by telling me that we're getting together to celebrate a day of giving thanks with family and close friends, but I know deep down that what will be on everyone's mind is what in Satan's hell is that odor coming from my fridge. Or geez what is that stain on the cabinet over there. And over there. And let's not forget their judging as they wander into our master bathroom and wonder aloud how in heavens name anybody would ever want to take a shower in there.

Due to my neurotic urges I am compelled to actually point out these shortcomings, bringing attention to some things not even visible to the naked eye. For instance, If someone says, "Nice studio!" I will very likely follow that up with, "Don't look in that corner, over there behind the desk. I haven't vacuumed back there in years." Much like those pharmaceutical ads that show a happy, smiling lady on a bicycle but then warn of serious side effects such as constipation, dementia, toenail fungus, exploding bowels or buttocks rashes, I like to warn people what they are getting when they walk through my door.

Many first time visitors to my house are subjected to what I call my 'Disclaimer Tour.' This is where I show people around, and point out various things that we have neglected to fix or things that are just plain ugly, and then come up with a 'Disclaimer' for it so as not to appear to be a total loser. For example, our bathroom still has spackle patches on the walls from when we first moved in and had our wiring re-done. This was THREE YEARS AGO. After I show them my bathroom, I will point to those patches and say, "We are in the process of re-modeling this bathroom." They will be none the wiser, until of course they come back in a few months and they ask why those patches are still there. At that point I will tell them we are "remodeling the remodel" or "Get out of my house." Either way my secret will be safe.

So if you are one of the lucky ones to be coming to our house this Thursday, skip the 'Happy Thanksgivings' and cut to the chase. Go ahead and ask me what that smell is.

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5 comments:

JenfromBoston said...

I give people who host any holiday all the props in the world. I know my level of panic when I'm just serving wine and Ritz carckers. (yeha, maybe my guests would enjoy a clean toilet bowl. I am sure Miss manners wrote that in one of her books)

Good thing for me is that I only have 4 chairs for my table, so I get out of hosting formal dinners. Don't tell anyoen my secret.

Ed Bacchus said...

On the other hand, I wrote a post about yesterday about "house hopping." I should show more appreciation for those who host these events.

Dawn said...

I NEVER host a thing. I go to other's houses and bring lots and lots of wine.

Mostly cause I like to drink, and I don't cook so good and I am a ROTTEN keeper of the house ( Don't even think of looking under the sink, something may drag you down the the pits of hell)

Remember. Cheese Doodles taste GREAT after 2 martinis

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!

Is that what those stains are from - exploding bowels??!!!

Mary Tsao said...

This is funny! Unfortunately, I'm hosting this year, which is probably why I'm already tired and Thanksgiving is still two days away.

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